thoughts become reality…

some days I feel like I’m trapped….trapped in this maze like contraption that no matter which way I turn always leads to pain or sickness or something that I don’t want to deal with.  This second round of taxol is just as bad if not worse than the last.  It hurts so bad! I just want to SCREAM!!!  I know they say that this will be over soon which will be awesome, but I really don’t want to take another round of this.    My tongue is now coated with whatever so things are starting to taste awkward, my fingers hurt to type, and some mornings I have a little tingling in them….yea yea yea I will tell them it’s tingling soon, but I just don’t think it’s that serious though.  It’s crazy my bones feel like they are swelling and sore and trying to rip out of my body….lol i feel like the hulk…yup just like that!  now imagine that kinda pain….welcome to my life.   I should have went ahead and told Leigh-Ann (my NP) that I would take that oxycodone or whatever she wanted to give me, at this point I’d rather the reaction then this pain.

Tomorrow I have to shadow at a PT office…and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do this…I mean I have to be up and watching every patient.  I need these hours for my application so I can not do it…I have to suck it up and take the pain somehow.  I can do it, I need to do it, I don’t have a choice.

Christmas is coming up, and I really need to get over this pain…I need to be happy, and not the happy that I put out there to hide the pain, but I mean happy with no pain whatsoever.  Harlow has gotten everything that she asked for which is great!  I can’t wait to see her face on christmas morning…when I tell you it’s gonna be great…it’s really gonna be great!  I’ll be sure to post pictures.

I keep thinking about this being over, you know think positive right? I’m counting down how many treatments…and then my surgery,  the positive part of the surgery is cause I’ll get my boob back and the other one will go and be replaced as well.   when that happens I’m getting a shirt that says “yes they’re fake, my real ones tried to kill me” I’m looking forward to that.  I see the radiation oncologist on Tuesday so I’ll just wait and see what they say…but with the “positive thoughts” I’m working with I’m hoping she will say I don’t need it because they removed both of my tumors and removed 13 extra lymph nodes.  but who knows what will happen…I may just have to have it.  They say it’s not that bad though and it’s quick, even though it’s like every day for a few weeks.  blah!!!  but Tuesday we will see what she says.  but positive thoughts lead to positive thoughts lead to positive outcomes.

And I need to remember that in my every day dealings.  I mean so many of us have this negative outlook on things and negative things happen.  Why do we do that?  why can’t we keep a better outlook on things?  who knows it may make our days better!  we cry over so many things, even the things that aren’t that bad but yet we go to the worst case scenario…it happens…I guess it’s human nature to “think the worst, and hope for the best” but whatever….we should think the best and expect better…that’s what I need to do…that’s what I’m gonna start to do.  I need to think more positive, be more positive and maybe just maybe things will get better for me….

xoxo Nita

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