Sometimes I get to the point where I wanna say no more, I give up.   it’s just so much and sometimes it’s just so hard!  How much can I really take?

Good news i got was that I may be finished chemo on either Jan 2, Jan 15.  It feels like it’s taken forever to get here, but I’ve been strong through out the whole thing.  No matter what had me down I kept going, I kept fighting.  I’m not going to give up, I have this special little girl that I can wait to watch grow up.  The one thing that sucks is that now my life is measured in 5 or 10 years before something happens again or maybe even something worse.  It’s hard to think that I may only have that much time until….who knows.  But i believe/hope that it will be more then that.  There is so much that I want to do, see, feel, hold, and love.  5 or 10 years just don’t cut it for me….I just really wish they would stop telling me that.

They say I’ve done very well through out this, but sometimes it really doesn’t feel like it.  I’ve been sick, in a load of pain, and for the most part I keep it in how i’m really feeling.  I hate to worry people so my answer is always “i’m ok” and I am ok, because it could be worse.  But it’s nights like this when I’m just now ok.  When everything I locked away breaks free…and I’m stuck here, dealing with them and having to pick myself up somehow, someway….I’m just feeling all types of ways, and so many emotions.  Maybe it’s the medicines, they said they will effect me emotionally and mentally.  so i’m gonna go with that.

well I really hope that Jan 2 is the last treatment…I would love for chemo to be over already.  I see the radiation oncologist on Tuesday, so we will see what will happen.  and I’m hoping to move my surgery to Feb or the first week in March…who knows if it will happen…nothing seems to be going my way these days except for my chemo end date.  I’m hoping the surgery will boost my self esteem…I need something right now to do it.  I really do.

anyway back to my bed and my thoughts….tonight is just not a good night…pray for me