WHAT. A. DAY! It’s been such a long day and I am so tired, but yet I can’t sleep (well I haven’t really tried to).  Maybe because I’m trying to process the events of the day.  So today CCI held me hostage for what felt like 24 hours.  8:40-1:30 pretty much is in my eyes.  IV’s and scans and long talks, and the injection that puts my ovaries to sleep, and then another talk…it was a long day! but I received some good information.  and i found out…….

Chemo starts…..NEXT WEEK THURSDAY!!!! (…yes that’s my screaming it)(I’m a bit scared djm)

Anyway tonight I started on meds, and let me tell you how much i would have had to pay without insurance…$350.00 for the 4 meds + the other OTC meds that I had to get.  Yea right, I slammed down that insurance card and said no Ma’am you can go ahead and see what my provider would take care of…aint no body got time for that.  So the great part is I only paid 80$.  Yesterday I found out my gene test came back positive, so which means I’ll have a second mastectomy in the near future and possible reconstruction, and then a hysterectomy by 40.  But now at least I know I have that BRAC1 (breast cancer) gene inside of me.

After CCI I went to a “cancer” store, it sells the scarves, prosthesis, clothing, wigs etc.  so I went to price the prosthesis, and yea I’m gonna be unbalanced for a while, they was $334.  no thank you, aint nothing a sock and a good bra can’t fix.  but I tried on the treatment scarves and it made so emotional, it made everything so real, and that’s where it hit me.  I’m a cancer patient, I’m really fighting for my life now, there’s no playing around, yes I’m scared, yes I pray and I gain a sense of calm, but I’m scared still.  and I don’t mean a little scared I’m terrified of the unknown.  My sister-in-law called me after a text convo back and forth and I told her I’m scared, but the conversation made me realise that yea I’m scared but I’m gonna do what I gotta do *shrugs*.  I mean…Let’s go on and do it.  anyway here’s my picture of me in the scarf

so the rest of my night has filled with secret tears and lots of laughter.  It’s amazing how I can find a joke in anything…it must be a gift!  I came home and after a nice long bath I decided it was time to take my bandages off the holes that my drains were removed from.  and I did.  To slowly start looking a bit normal is making me feel better, I’m so tired of being all bandaged up like a mummy.    So next week, I have a full week of doctors visits and stuff, and an airport run which i can’t wait for, and thursday at 9am I start my chemo treatment.  Please keep me in prayer.  They say that my chances are good, but I’ll get the exact percentages on monday.  I’m a fighter so no matter what they tell me I feel I serve a bigger God that has a bigger and better plan for me then just this.

Ok so here’s the picture of my awesome scar…by the way, my surgeon was/is great! his hand is so steady, and my scar is a perfect straight line…yea I’m so happy I had him and will have him again after my treatment.

(excuse the little hairs, I can’t really get it all just yet lol)

So yea, it’s been a long day.  it’s midnight and I still don’t want to go sleep.  I’m nervous I’ll have a hot flash in my sleep lol.  But I’m really nervous about what I’ll end up thinking about.  You see it’s those quiet times, when it’s me and my thoughts when I become emotional, or the times when I just want someone there to hold me and say it’s ok.  I get through it, but it’s when I’m alone or at night when I’m the most vulnerable.  but I guess I should try to sleep, or at least watch some TV until it starts to watch me.  yea I think that’s what I’ll do, cause i have loads of school work tomorrow and a class that I promised myself I will attend.

Sweet dreams y’all

xoxox Nita