Talk about tired!! I feel like I haven’t slept in forever, and the thing that bothers me is that after my treatment tomorrow, I won’t sleep good at all for about a week. I won’t sleep much tonight either, you see tomorrow is treatment day, and I am NOT looking forward to it at all. The thought of it makes my head, stomach and overall body hurt. But I will go there tomorrow, same way I do every other Thursday. Smile on my face, school work in my bag, greeting everyone and sucking up any bad thought i may have about the “red devil” I’m about to have injected.
Today was a good day, I’ve been receiving so much love from people and it’s been amazing. Who knew that so many people could care about someone that they didn’t know? I have been amazed yet so appreciative. My mind has been on overload today, it’s everywhere to be honest. I don’t know why, I feel there is so much to do, no time, and really no energy. The holidays are coming up, and I’m so worried that I won’t be able to make it a good one for Harlow. I really hope that I have some more energy and spunk by then. She deserved the best of me, and really no matter how I feel I will give her just that.
The other day (the night after my hair fell out) I went to the store, I could tell people were looking at me, I’m used to it now. But this time, at the cash register was different, for the first time I was laughed at. I felt so…..sad…but it’s weird, I felt sad for them. I mean I did feel a little hurt, but my sadness was to them. It’s sad that they found something so “common” now so funny, without knowing anything. i don’t know I wasn’t raised like that, they were kids so I guess I give them a bit of a chance. But it amazed me that kids that know nothing of someone’s struggle, pain etc. feel so comfortable to laugh at that person. I didnt say anything, I smiled. I would never let them see how much it hurt to hear them laugh, and I smiled because, well, the things that could have come out my mouth would not have helped that situation at that time.
Today was better I wore a hat out today, but went to Burlington Coat factory and took it off. It felt good to take it off, and I tried on a bunch of little things. it’s a growing process, and i’m slowly getting comfortable with how I look right now. do I like it? not really, but will it be like this forever? no, and I’m ok with that. This is what I have to put up with right now, in order to get healthy and have more time on this earth with the most amazing little girl, then so be it, bald and beautiful….or as my friend Heidi would say, Bald Beautiful and Badass!! lol
I’ve been learning so much, about people, and myself.
I’m stronger than I ever thought possible – I mainly get my strength from my daughter who keeps me going no matter how much I want to give up. and also my friends and family who constantly hit me up to give me words of encouragement.
people aren’t as bad as they seem – so many times we look at people and judge them, or feel that this person may not like me because of who they are or what not. And so many people that I’ve never thought would reach out to me and things like that, have reached out and been some of the biggest supporters that I have had. and I am forever grateful.
That no matter what, you are your own worst enemy – There are some days that I beat myself up, and I know now that I am the only one that does that. I am the one that beats me down, I am the one that makes myself cry. I am the reason I have these down days. But I am also the one that picks myself back up, and God is the driving force behind that.
I am like an open pad right now, learning new things, trying new things, and growing every day.
Tomorrow is treatment day, I’m scared, and I’m so not looking forward to it. This sore throat and earache doesn’t help either. but o well. anyway here are some pics from today.
Stay up, stay happy, and pray for me!