I haven’t cried in so long, today was the day I let it rip. Man it’s just been stressful for me. I had a conference with my teacher who pretty much let me know that I will probably not pass the class, the only way that I will is if I come in Thursday (after my treatment) and take my lab final, which consist of a written exam and 25 stations of all the labs that I couldn’t participate in. I have to do this test, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. I have treatment and I get so sick after. sigh. I’m so frustrated cause I want this so bad, I want to finish school. I never once expected something like this to happen to me, and besides trying to take my life it’s like it’s trying to steal my dreams as well. I laid on the couch all day after class (i got out at 9:15am) and I cried and just stared at my ceiling. What else could I do? I feel like everything is being ripped out from under me. but whatever I had time to think…clearly it’s all i do these days. and I realised that this is just another hurdle. I’ve had so many, why would life stop throwing them at me now. And then my best friend tagged me in a quote on instagram that said “Wear your passion. There’s way too much to live for to feel hopeless. Good things come to those who never give up. Grow. Persevere. Evolve” and that is all that I needed to suck up the tears, alter my plan, and figure out a way to make my dreams come true. Will I still push to become a PA…probably not, I have been researching and talking to my advisor and I’m going to switch to PTA. I will need to fix a few things, improve some classes but I will get this done. I will earn my degree, and I will make a better life for Harlow and I. yea life…I definitely plan on being around, for her…give her all the things that I wish I had with my mom…memories. Yea I am definitely going to make as many memories with her as possible. Because when my time does come (no time soon) I want her to remember me, and enjoy looking back on those memories.
The past weekend I was on such an emotional roller coaster and a friend that I went to Oakwood with years ago invited my daughter and I to her sons birthday party. To be honest I wasn’t going to go, I fought with the idea all day saturday. I dont like leaving my house these days cause I dont like how I look. I felt ok, a little nauseous but nothing serious. I just didn’t want people looking at me. but I couldn’t say no when she hit me up again. And I am so thankful that she did, besides the fact that we had an awesome time at chucky cheese, I needed the outing. I needed to be around people, some people stared at me but I needed that to boost my spirits and I am so thankful to her, and her family. God knew that i needed to get out and he made sure she reminded me. I’m thankful, that outing as kept me boosted since Sat.
This week is the treatment week, I am so not looking forward to Thursday. My mood changes with the though of going there, I can taste the chemicals still and to know that in 2 days I’m getting another dose just drives me bunkers!!! But like I always say there’s a silver lining in any dark cloud….this is the LAST big treatment. after this i move on to 12 weeks of weekly taxol treatments. The good thing is they pretty much guarantee that I will be able to handle the taxol better, but the way this body of mine is set up…who knows. I really do hope and pray that I can handle the taxol better though because I’m tired of being stuck in bed with a crippling nausea feeling. and I’ll be able to eat. Yea I’m still dropping in weight, my LPN that does my vitals before each visit has been telling me I need to eat, I’m losing more then i’m supposed to. But after treatment I don’t eat for about a week. I try to nibble but it’s just to much, heck i can barely drink anything. But you know what It will get better, and there is someone out there in a position far worse then mine. So no complaints, I’ll up my weight once this is over, and I’ll be well.
……………………….my mind is all over the place……………………
I’m hoping that my blood work in higher tomorrow…Last week Thursday my WBC was at 1 and my other levels where very low as well. I’ve started to fight off this cold so I’m guessing me WBC have come up which is great! and which means they won’t push back my treatment. I’ve been thinking of throwing a “i fought like a girl” party when this is over and done…yea maybe i’m thinking to far ahead but I believe that God will pull me through this. so I’m planning ahead.
“Nobody told me the road would be easy but I don’t believe he’s brought me this far to leave me”