I’ve wrote 2 blogs and deleted them, because all I can think about is what’s going on in this world. it’s so sad!!! How can I possibly sit here and write about me and my pain which doesn’t even compare to whats going on in Nigeria, Paris and other places. It’s just so sad! people are dying, and families are mourning and everyone else is left to live in fear. Since all this has happened all I’ve wanted to do is to go over there and help out in the clinics and i don’t know…just do something.
I sit and try to compare my pain to theirs but I really can’t, but i’m hurting! I gave in and called the doctor the other day because I just couldn’t take it anymore. My bones….these bones….ughhh they HURT! my joints are locking up, my head is hurting, my scalp hurts, and my finger are getting more numb every day….my thumb on my right hand is almost completely numb. I’m having sharp pains above my surgical scar which is annoying and well every thing that can be in pain is. She prescribed me oxycodone but I’m too scared to take it, I’m allergic to narcotics, but she didn’t know what else to give me that can handle the amount of pain that I”m in. So since I can’t take it (because I hallucinate, and tear my skin open) I’m still here in pain. but I can handle it.
I started back school this week. It was good, my first quiz I got a 96% so I just need to keep that up. it’s just been so hard trying to get back in the swing of things. I’m going to class and doing my shadowing work so that I can submit my application for the fall PTA program. so juggling that, classes, and Harlow has felt a little overwhelming, but I just need to get back to it. It used to be so easy, but I get so tired now it’s annoying me. But I can do this…I will do this.
So I found another lump, this one was in my chest wall, same side as my mastectomy. right above it actually. My NP sent me for an ultrasound, and it didnt know a tumor!!! I was so happy. Because before that I was so scared, what was I supposed to do if I had another tumor? I mean chemo has been beating me up for the past few months and if there was another one I don’t know what I would have done. actually I do know, I would have cried my eyes out, because chemo is NOT easy. it’s gross, it hurts, it’s like from the devil himself. let me try to describe how it feels. the cytoxin and adriamycin (I had 4 of these every 2 weeks) when you first go into to get injected, the needle is shoved into your port (located under the collar bone, under your skin), the nurses then ask you “how have you been” and “are you ok today” then they go get your premeds. these consist of 2/3 nausea medicines and a steroid. after they inject you with those they say “ok I’m going to put your orders in” about 5-10 minutes later 2 nurses come back to cross check your chemo meds, once it’s all done and everything checks out your nurse give you this look, it’s a look only the person about to get injected will notice….they have a look where they feel sorry for you. then they start with the adriamycin or what we chemo patients like to call “red devil” it’s in this long syringe, and the nurse slowly pushes it into your port. but it doesn’t matter how slow or fast she pushes it, your stomach starts to burn, and cramp, and you start feeling a little nauseous almost instantly. but you cringe and moan and get through it, then it’s over. then you sit through a 2 hour cytoxin drip. some people are on a steroid high for a day or 2 before it wears off and they feel all the pain….me? it takes me 3-4 hours til it hits me. where I can’t move, I’m curled in bed attempting to hold everything down. crying because my stomach feels like i’m in the middle of the atlantic on a punt on a bad day. it dehydrates you but you can barely drink anything because it comes right back up. and I was like that for about a week before I was able to kinda catch myself. Taxol (what I’m on now…every other week I’m on dose 3) now with this it’s a high dose, most times they spread this one out over 12 weeks. I’m getting mine tripled up. So same pre med process minus 1 nausea med but add benadryl to the party then a taxol drip for about 2.5 hours. this one not so bad cause the benadryl knocks you out…until your bladder wakes you up and sends you to the bathroom. this one….not so bad….until the next night when your bones start to hurt, and your joints lock up and your head hurts and you can barely move, but you have a 3 year old so you have to force yourself to get up and walk around. you can’t scream or moan cause you don’t want to alarm your child….so what do you do??? suck it up and push through it.
push through it, push through it!!! when people ask how I’m doing I give the generic “I’m okay” which I am because I’m here and not in the hospital or anything real bad…I mean cancer is pretty bad but….you know what I mean. but everyone gets the “I’m ok” I’m not one to alarm people, well I try not to at least….and I’m pushing through it….when it comes a time where I say I give up I can’t push through this and I start crying out for help (I won’t actually cry but I will admit I’m not ok) then you know something is wrong. I want to push through this and beat this…I do…and because I feel like theres a strong possibility that I can Ive gotten to the point I feel like I’m settling. Heres why…I left Oakwood…I had to, there was no way that I could afford it…I’m not at Calhoun. I’m no longer a Physicians assistant student, I changed my major to Physical therapy assistant…why?? well cause the program is less stressful, and it’s much shorter. once the program starts in August (praying that I get in) I should be finished it in a year maybe year and a half. it will lead to a good job, it pays well, and it’s not as long. But something in me feels like I’m settling. I know I can do better, I know I can be better, I mean I’m a fighter, I’ve proved that….but realistically this is better for me now…
Sometimes we have to alter our dreams a bit, I get that. I’m just having a hard time doing it. But i’ve been telling myself over and over, just because it’s been altered doesn’t mean that I’m not reaching my goals and bringing those dreams to life. I mean life isn’t easy, it’s always throwing curve balls and it’s up to us to dodge the ball or let it hit us and knock us down. It threw me a huge curve ball (I used to laugh cause it felt like a really sick joke smh) but even though I thought this was gonna knock me completely OUT it didn’t. I won’t let it, I can’t let it….