The past few days….smh…ROUGH! it’s been such a struggle to get out of bed, I’m extremely tired and so weak. You know it’s bad when you can’t stand alone to shower cause your so dizzy, and weak. I have no appetite…well today I forced myself to eat some chicken noodle soup, which my stomach tried to reject, and so I ate some popcorn which i have to admit helped a little bit. This was my 3rd “big” treatment. I have only one more of these on the 20th, and then I start the “smaller” treatments. They say with the smaller treatments, it will be easier but different side effects. The remainder of my body hair will fall out, so I need to go and get this gel that is supposed to save your eyebrows and lashes. It’s one thing to lose your hair and body hair but I really can’t lose my eyebrows. I don’t have a steady hand and I can’t draw so I’d have nike ticks on my face, and I can’t have that. lol. I just want this weak, fatigue, and nauseous person to get back to normal. This is not me.
I’ve been having some rough nights, I’ve been crying and just lonely. I hate that I’m not myself, I need to get it back together and quick. I’ve been so stressed with the finances of paying for my treatments and school and providing the best I can for my daughter….who by the way is AWESOME as always. Yesterday as I lay in bed all alone she comes in to check on me, she must have sensed my bit of depression and she just gave me a kiss and said “cheer up ok? I’ll check on you later” sigh I fall in love with her over and over. There are some things that she just doesn’t understand though, and I have to deal with them alone.
As bad as I feel I cant help but remind myself that there are people out there in worse positions then myself. I mean yea I’m fighting for my life, but there are people that don’t have any fight left in them, or just have nothing to fight for. Some people didn’t get to see this morning, and there is a family out there that has to deal with that lose. Even though I can’t keep anything down, there are people that have no food to eat at all. Yes chemo sucks, yes I wish I didn’t have to go through this, but I’m grateful for the fight that I have, and the doctors that take awesome care of me. God has been so good to me and for that I won’t complain…or continue to complain. I will just count my blessings.
I miss home…I hear of people going getting ready to go home for christmas, and I really wish I could. I know it’s better that I stay here and continue my treatment with no breaks, I get it I just miss my family. It’s amazing that sometimes it takes big things to happen to you in order for you to appreciate the family and friends that you may have taken for granted. I have never missed, or realised how much I appreciated the people that have stood by me all these years, and now all I want to do is be with them, wrap my arms around them, never let go and tell them over and over again how much I love them and how grateful I am. I just don’t understand why it took me to have to go through this, to think I could lose them in order for me to realise any of this. I’m just glad that I was able to realise this before it was to late, and I plan to show my appreciation and love before it’s too late.
Why wait til it’s to late right? They won’t feel your love buried…so I’m gonna love them til I can’t love them anymore….So THANK YOU to my family and friends that are standing by me, and always have.
Here are some candid photo’s of me and my best friend, my back bone, my baby girl!