Happy New Year!!! It’s January 1st, and today was a very relaxing day, and a day where I promised myself I am going to do some much-needed things for myself. So today….today was a good day. Tomorrow…well tomorrow may be a different story. You see tomorrow is treatment day (joy rme). Am I excited? HECK NO! but it’s a step closer to the end of my chemo treatment, or at least a break. I need a break..a really long break…actually I just need this to be over. I honestly don’t know how much more of it I can take lol…wait I’m lying…I can take as much as I need to get better (I think). Well I’m trying to think that way anyways, hopefully that continues to get me through. Last week I found out that I am getting neuropathy, the one thing they were trying to avoid with these “big treatments”. Whelp Dr. Schreeder lets see what new tricks you got up your sleeve this time lol…anyway it’s not that bad right now, my hands just feel strange, my left pinky hurts, and some of the tips of my fingers are a little “fuzzy”. it feels awkward but nothing that I can’t handle.
Christmas was….good. Harlow had a great day, she got everything that she wanted and more. So many friends and family sent her gifts, and also the nurses from some of my Dr’s offices sent them as well. She doesn’t need to receive another gift for at least 2 years. What I’m going to do is let her go through her toys and give some to those kids in the city that need them. Because let’s be real…she doesn’t need them, heck some she doesn’t even want…she barely plays with most of them…so if anyone knows of kids that would like toys please let me know.
the past few weeks have been…I don’t want to say stressful, but they have been well stressful. they have led me to realize that it’s time to do for me, without putting anyone before myself. If you know me, you know that I mostly put everyone and their needs and wants before mine. Yea I know, why would I do that? i don’t know, I’ve just always been that way. My granny who raised me is like that, and well I guess it just rubbed off. But I need to start being a little selfish. Not worry about how everyone else feels, and wants and just try to focus on just me and Harlow. well I always focus on Harlow but it’s time I focus on me a little bit more. So this year I’m claiming that I will be cancer free, I’m claiming that I’m going to get into this PTA program, I’m focusing more on me and my wants and happiness and well I’m distancing myself from people….not everyone just some.
It’s really been a rough year…sometimes it got to the point where I didn’t think I would make it. I would ask 1 of my friends to tell me over and over that I will be ok. I would ask him to no matter what look out for my daughter. last year was just hard for me. I left Bermuda with my head high ready to start school and end on top of my class, and then the 2nd week of school I was in the doctor’s office. and its been a rough, long battle since then. But it’s taught me so much about myself and for that I’m thankful. The journey isn’t over yet, but I’ve made it this far and I’m sure I can make it to the end. It’s hard but some people have it so much harder than I do. I mean I say that a lot and people are always telling me I’m fighting for my life…and I know that but there are people who are REALLY fighting to live. some people who I know, and have met. You see when I started at CCI there was a guy there named Kyle, I would see him and speak every time I had to go to the bathroom (I went a lot) and it got to the point that I would say hi how are you doing, or feeling, or whatever would come to my mind. It used to make me so sad cause he had so many bags and bottles hanging from his thing, I used to be so scared for him…He used to just smile cause he’d be to exhausted to really talk, or his mom would talk for him. Well now days when I go to the bathroom…he’s not there, he hasn’t been there in weeks…I know your probably thinking he got better but…..lets just say he’s better, he no longer needs the meds and I’m sure he’s happier now. So as scared as I am about tomorrow and what pain and numbness it may bring, I’m thankful for God allowing me to see this year. He didn’t have to bring me here at all, he has helped me to survive a whole lot more than just cancer, but now that cancer is my battle he is really giving me the strength and positive spirit to get through this. So this year is a year of living and being thankful for all that I have, and all that I don’t. I’m here…and it gives me a chance to do more with my life….and really, that’s all that matters.