Minds on overload

Have you ever sat and wondered why you??  Why not someone else??  you know you’ve done some messed up things in your life, but for a Big thing to happen to you kinda seems unreasonable?   I’ve noticed as I walk around my city at times I catch myself looking at people and wondering, why not them?  They aren’t nice, they don’t even try to take care of themselves, they have no love for their fellow man, why not them? Why me? Why now? WHY!?!?!?

Times I stop and I ask God to just clear my mind, because truth be told, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone else.   This is my battle and maybe just maybe, i’m a stronger person then they are.  Maybe just maybe, I’m in a better position to receive better care, and maybe just maybe, my faith and this journey may allow me to be a witness for someone out there that needs to get it right in some way.  Maybe just maybe I’ll be a survivor and be able to help other women….

I don’t know why, but what I do know is that they way the past 6 months have played out was all part of a bigger picture then the one i was seeing.

I had applied to multiple schools, I kinda wanted to move back to the DMV (kinda still do, i miss home) but the only school that was quick, and assisted me with all my paper work was OU.  once i decided to go to a Dr.  the doctors here have moved extremely fast in order to ensure that I make it through this.  Sept 3 I found out, Sept 4 I saw the surgeon, Sept 11 i had a mastectomy, Sept 24 my drains were removed from my chest and side, Sept 25 my oncologist set out my treatment plan, and next week my ovaries will get put to sleep….it’s been a whirlwind, but I’m grateful for the swiftness of things.  I guess God placed me in a city where I could get swift and good care, I have some of the bed doctors in Huntsville, and I couldn’t be more happier with the way they have been with me.

But I’m scared…

I smile, I’m strong, I pray and I’m trusting in God, but yet I’m scared.  actually I don’t think I would say scared, I think I’d go with nervous about what I do not know.  You hear stories of chemo and your like wow, I saw my mom go through it and it wasn’t pretty.  But Chemo isn’t really whats driving me crazy.  Next week when they put my ovaries to sleep it will send me into menopause, and that’s what’s not sitting to well with me.  See older women ALWAYS say it’s terrible, it’s the worst thing ever, or those hot flashes oooooo my God I can’t deal….Really people is it really that bad? really?  cause the things I’ve been hearing bout this “hellish hot flashes”  are scaring me!   But what’s an expedition without some rough terrain right?

sigh…

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