Will they remember me?

Yesterday the world started to mourn a legend, a man that was so amazingly talented, a musical genius and touched so many people.  He made people fall in love with music…I mean real music.  Prince, you will forever be missed.   Today the world is wearing purple, the biggest monuments are lit in purple, and memes and songs flood our timelines.  It amazes me how one person can touch so many lives.  It made me take a minute to think about my life.  I’m sure that when someone dies whether it’s a celebrity you admired or someone in your community, you stop and remember them.  But when I stop to remember them it always leaves me with the question….”How will they remember me?”

What is the dash in my timeline going to mean?

What will your dash mean to your family and friends?  How will you be remembered?

Life is too short, we must live life to the fullest.  Be the kind of person you want them to talk about when you are no longer around.

Life to me is so precious, I sit here and I am thankful for every morning that I wake up and see my daughters bright eyes and smiling face.  Because there was a time when I wondered if I’d ever see that again.  But I am here, blessed, and trying to live life as the best person that I can be.  I want the dash to mean something….

Don’t you?

Damn….back at it again…Maybe?

In exactly 16 days I would have been in remission for exactly 1 year.  Do you have any idea of how happy that makes me??  overjoyed!!!  A whole lot can happen in a year…My 1st year was full of love and fun! I landed an awesome job, Harlow and I’s relationship is even better than ever (who thought that could happen right?) I witnessed my best friend’s proposal, I fell in love, I was able to plan out the way I want things to go from now on….

………But you know what they say, your plan has nothing on God’s.

So here I am, sitting here at my computer trying to smile, trying to find a reason to stay at work, trying to keep my mind from going crazy, it’s been on 1000 since Friday.

Sooooooo here’s what’s going on.  I went to  my new doctor on Friday, who by they way is absolutely AMAZING!!! and he pretty much said that the lump in my chest, that I’ve been questioning since August, and that BHB said was nothing, just may be something.  smh.  So here we are again…almost a year to the day of my remission that I am heading back to Huntsville in 14 days in order to have a lump tested (biopsied), because the doctors here just ruled it out, because of 1 doctors decision.

So many will ask am I mad?  no…but I’m not happy either.  But how can i really get worked up about something that I just don’t know about right now?  So many people will say

“o it’s nothing, you will be ok”

But until you have been in my shoes, until you have walked this walk, and until you have tasted the disgusting drugs and felt the effects that they have, you can never tell me “you will be ok”.  Because while I am praying that it is nothing and that it’s a build up of necrotic tissue, I can’t help to tense up at the thought that….Here we go again, back at it!   The dreams that I have been having the past few nights have been hell!!  it’s like reliving the injections, the pain, the nausea, the weakness, the chills, the fatigue all in one night.

So from now until i get my results back…please bare with me as I deal with my emotions and get my thought process under control.  Because I’m scared of what may lie ahead.  But I’m strong enough to know that if I gotta go back in for round 2, God’s got me and I’m gonna be a champ again.unnamed-8

xoxo

Nita

an undoubtful christmas

The past few weeks have been ones of complete confusion for me, because I’m constantly asked “have you considered reconstruction?”  well duh!!  Of course I have.  Then the constant stares, the constant sayings of “i don’t know how you do it girl.” or “I could never walk around with no breasts.” Those kinds of statements bother me.  WE are women.  Let me explain a little something to those that “feel they couldn’t do it” or “could never walk around with no breasts”  You don’t know what you can do until you put your mind to it.  Sooooo many times we doubt ourselves, but for what?  We doubt ourselves, our strength, our determination before we even give ourselves a chance to find a way to make it.  My journey was not easy but it was definitely a mind game.  My mental was 90% of the time what got me through.  If ever there was a time I allowed myself to think I was going to die, or that I couldn’t do this anymore my body would receive that and I’d get worse…no lie….you have to always tell yourself that you can and you will do it.  Doubt is a nasty little thing that many of us do, and it brings us down so bad that it never allows us to have a chance at anything.  Life in itself is one big Mind Fuk (excuse my french) but it is.  If we allow things to mess with our mental and make us doubt ourselves and the things that we can do, we bring ourselves down, and when we do that we tend to bring others down with us (like crabs in a bucket) doubt is contagious.  It takes a strong person to know who they are and what they can do and handle.

Truth be told I was NEVER this person though.  I was forced to grow up and see myself in a totally different light.  It took me years of toxic relationships, and the many negatives in life that had me always doubting myself and not loving me.  I always wanted to change something about me, whether it be my weight, my hair, my face as a whole (yesssss hunny I hated how I looked), my body shape, The way I acted around people, EVERYTHING!!! you name it, it was on my list of things to change.  Then I was thrown in a time where I got the changes that I needed, not the ones I hoped for, but needed. I saw myself with no hair, low weight, my face swollen from infections and scarred all up.  I saw myself looking like smeigal off of lord of the rings, and it was at that time….at the time when most would think I was “ugly” I found my beauty and my strength.  I grew in love with ME, not what I looked like (I mean I was rocking that bold head though) I loved getting to know me.  All I had was my personality and strength.  When it first happened i was like “OMG no one will ever be attracted to me again, I need to at least have breasts”  But it hit me one day when I asked Harlow if I was still pretty and she told me “yea mom your just not stylish”  and at that point again my 3 year old had taught me a lesson.  On the eyes I may be a little hard to deal with so I’m not stylish, but I am pretty,  The prize isn’t what I look like it’s what I can bring into a situation.  I am always smiling, I’m positive, I LOVE ME!!! and  I don’t doubt myself I just do it.  So when I walk around with 2 scars and no breast just know I’m happy and confident within myself, that I embrace my situation and I believe that I am prettier now without breasts that I could have ever been with them.  I AM GORGEOUS and my body parts do NOT make me that way.

It bothers me when I hear when women say I can’t do it…but yet you haven’t even tried.  So stop saying you can’t and try, and if you try and fail, then try again.  You wasn’t given this life to just be handed things, you gotta work for them.  Doubt will stop you from doing a lot!  don’t limit yourself because you feel like you can’t.

This is a new year coming up…make a plan of things you want to do, things you never thought you could, and sit and make a plan of how you can possibly do it.  But remember you may need a plan b & c as well.  Start with the best plan and go for it.  Do what it is that you want, you want to go back to school, well lets have it, how do you plan to get back to school?  you want to buy a house/car, well how are you gonna do that?  #1 go and have a little talk with a loan officer, there…I helped you start.  You want to get married or want your bf to propose to you, well how you gonna get that to happen? #1 cut out the hoe tendencies….see helped you again.  There is always a start and then a path to follow to get what you want and make things happen.  EVERYTHING and ANYTHING is possible.  so just do it.  stop saying you can’t, and for crying out loud learn to love the woman that you are instead of the woman you look like.

and for all those who say I look “strange” rme, just know I have 2 noobs because my boobs tried to kill me…so kick rocks cause my scars are AWESOME!!!! scars to my beautiful!!

noob love

I hope you all have an wonderful christmas, and go into the new year with more self love and less self doubt, and lets rock this year to the fullest!!!

 

xoxo

Nita

…make lemonade out of the lemons

Thanksgiving was yesterday…and I have so many things to be thankful for. Main one being that I woke up this morning….again!  Sad part is, is that I woke up, I thanked Big Man, and then instantly started to complain about things going on.  lack of money, feeling all kinds of ways, bitching in my head about stuff that doesn’t really mean much.  I had to remind myself, that there is nothing that I cannot be thankful for.  It was raining this morning, so what I do get annoyed (fyi I don’t like to be out in the rain), but then had to realise I need to be thankful for the rain, we need it. Then it’s cold out (I’m a summer baby I don’t like the cold), so what I do?  got annoyed.  But the cold can be good when you have a cuddle buddy lol so I shouldn’t complain because maybe I’ll get one soon lol.  just stupid stuff, things out of my control.  I have NO money, but if I had it I’d probably spend in on things I don’t really need, and not having it is actually teaching me a lesson in “living within my means”.  A lesson I so needed lol.

But I’m thankful so much for family, because they have shown me especially the past few weeks, that we make any needed sacrifice for each other.  They put their own wants and needs aside to help take care of Harlow and I as I was recovering.  Kept me sane through it all, and a smile on my face.

So in a world full of things I can complain about, I have chosen not to.  To just take a moment when I feel the negativity coming on, to kind of re-think things.  To embrace the bad because in actuality it’s not that bad, life could be a whole lot worse.  A whole lot worse.

 

** Update** So I had my second mastectomy on Nov 12.  The healing process is so much longer this time…I’m guessing different surgeon, different technique etc.  but I have some swelling and a knot in my noob (no boob = noob).  It’s strange but I’m learning to deal with the pain and I’m making it through.  All  my tests from my left side came back negative and showed no cancer markers….PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Now life for me begins again.  No real worrying, just life changes and happiness.  I’m here for a while longer to be with my daughter.  I have 7 years or so before my hysterectomy, who knows, maybe I’ll find a lil cutie and get hitched and have more kids lol.  Dreams…but that’s the direction i’m heading in.  So 7 years until the next major procedure, 7 years for new beginnings, 7 more years of memories with my daughter, 7 more years of never giving up and fighting, 7 more years….I’m looking forward to every minute that I get to be here a little longer. I’m thankful for a second chance

What are you thankful for??

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XOXO

Nita

October…ghost, goblins, and cancer

This month…what can I say.  It’s been a lot for me.  It’s been a month where I hit the 1 year mark of when I started treatment (October 9).  So many feelings have come back, having to share my story to people that I don’t even know.

I shared my story with an awesome group of ladies last Saturday night.  It was a night of laughs, great food, information and just “girl power”.  I was asked to present my story.  it was the first time I had done so in a crowd, i’ve told it to my friends and some family but never a crowd of people.  I was nervous, I couldn’t eat, i barely slept the night night before.  right before I got up i remember my best friend Keitha saying, its ok…it’s your story, it’s not like you don’t know what your talking about.  as I walked to the front i remembered that and…well…it is my story it’s everything that I went through.  I tried to tell them in complete detail without breaking down and it’s crazy that during the story i could feel my stomach burn when i talked about the adriamycin “red devil”, my bones started to ache and cramp when i tried to describe taxol and the way they all made me feel.  It was scary!!! but I made it through the night, and I enjoyed myself.

October is known as a scary month, many people think of witches, ghosts and goblins, I think of injections, sickness, and weakness.  It’s a month I learned that chemo wasn’t going to be easy, it was a time i had to get comfortable with people seeing me in a vulnerable state,  where I had to learn to smile through the hardest times, and realise some days I just couldn’t smile, it’s a month where I learned that labour pain was cake compared to chemo pain,  I had to learn to embrace the changes my body and skin was making and try to find the beauty through it all.  It’s a month where I felt I looked like a goblin and was scared to become a ghost…October really is a scary month for me.

It’s been a year…a whole year, last year this time i didn’t think i would see this day.  It’s been rough but I’m here.  It’s so many things happening around me, people are dying and I’m here.  I hate that there is so much sadness around me but I can’t help but to smile.  I wake up every morning and I see my daughter wake up, stretch and say good morning mommy….words that I LOVE and look forward to.  Because it reminds me that we are both here, we both made it through the night and we both fought to get here.  

She see’s my pictures of me in the hospital bed, or with my arm wrapped up from my lymphedema treatment and she cries, last night she laid on my chest wanting to cuddle and she says “mommy i just don’t want you to leave me”  as a mother, what can I say to that.  All i could do was hold her and tell her I love her and that I’m here.  But there will be a day when one day I’m not.  And the scary part about it all is that, now because of having cancer there is always a possibility that I’m not around as long as I want to be for her.  I’m sitting here staring out the window and watching children walk by without a care in the world.  and then i think of my daughter who now seems to hold the weight of the world on her shoulders…she carries the thought that she can lose her mommy, her best friend and we are both walking around wondering why?  why us?  I just don’t know sometimes why….but I embrace it.  I can’t keep thinking why, how, or anything else I just have to take it, deal with it and push through regardless.  This month….October….I don’t like this month……

Unknown

Sigh….

Sometimes I just don’t know……

xoxo

Nita

all it takes is perspective!

It’s like a never ending carousel ride, taking you around and around.  and all you want to do it say “STOP!!!”  and get the hell off!!  but your stuck, tied down, no where to go, and your becoming so used to the feeling it’s almost numbing you.  you take it, it beats up on you, but you still take it…what else can you really do??  That’s what my life feels like right now.  I never ending ride, and I can’t get off!  Constant tests, constant scares, treatments and so on…I’m now in treatment for Lymphedema, so I have to see a specialist every day to have treatment, and then he has to wrap my arm all up, and i mean yes it could be worse, but WHEN WILL IT STOP!!!!!!

and just by typing it could be worse…I realised it could be worse.  I could still be at CCI with a port in my chest, bald like a new born baby, weak and sick…but you know what I’m not.  So what is a little cast for the next 2-3 weeks?  I mean no one’s gonna want to cuff the “broken arm looking chick”  lol but i’m ok with that.  It’s so funny how just that fast it hit me that life can be so  much more worse then what we make it out to be.

We could all be in a much more horrible situation…like we should be thankful for the things we do have.  I constantly hear of women dying from breast cancer, and I’m here.  The Lord gave me another day, to enjoy life and spend with my daughter.  I’m still here, sometimes I feel like something is really wrong and the doctors here haven’t found it, but I’m still here and kickin.  and for that I’m hella grateful!

You know what…Thank God I decided to write a blog because it’s my diary, it helps me to sift through my thoughts and ideas and just let it out…some days i’m “inspirational” (so they say) and other’s i’m on here just ranting and raving…for what?  most times no reason at all…but I’m human…and the people that read this blog are human too!  so forgive me for the days I go off…I’m honestly  still dealing with my emotions from last year.

OMG I’m speaking at an event Oct 24.  I AM NERVOUS!!  <- you see I made that bold right?  Cause I have bubble guts just thinking about getting up and speaking.  at first I was praying that I would have my surgery around that time, but I’ve realised now that God has his plans for me.  As one of the youngest to have fought and won against this disease, I am here for a purpose, and I need to be able to help inspire women and get them to love themselves and their body enough to fully listen to it and pay attention.  I don’t want another woman especially a young woman, or mother to deal with this pain.  So I am here to bring awareness and spread as much of that as I can, on this little island and anywhere else…I’m a fighter, I’m a survivor, I am pink…I am a ribbon runner!

9/11

So for many, today is a day that they will never forget.  For many it’s the day they witnessed the planes join in to the towers and the pentagon…and the United flight crash in PA.  If I was to ask many of you where you were on Sept 11, 2001 you would know where you were and what you were doing at that time.   For me?  I was at school Willingboro High going into gym class when the first plane hit…and in gym when the second one hit.  I remember school being let out early and many of my friends rushing home because their parents either worked in NY close or in the buildings.  It was a very scary time, I remember my dad and I taking my mom back up to her ship the day after she had watched the second plane go into the building, because all military personnel was being deployed, even the USS Detroit.  what a day!!!

I remember 9/11 for another reason as well, last year though.  Sept 11, 2014.  The day I had my first Mastectomy. right now it’s 7:45 am in Huntsville, AL and my appointment was for 7:30 at the breast center to have my breast injected with a dye that would light up my lymph nodes it they had cancer in them.  My surgery was scheduled for 11 i believe.  it was a day I was so scared, I didn’t know what was going to happen and I couldn’t stop crying.  I had 2 amazing people with me though.  They did everything in their power to keep my calm.  The doctor from OU and 1 of the campus pastors came and anointed me and prayed over me.  I needed that.  after I was prepped, Dr. Randall came in and went through the procedure, told me he’s got me…I know he did, because I had already asked God to guide his hands and if you saw my scar and how neat it is, you know the good Lord had a part in that.  My surgery went well….

But…

Today 9/11, I am about to head in for a CT scan.  I had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago and I was called into the office yesterday.  it looks like there is something there same side, right above the scar.  I’m scared!!! but I have already prayed to God to please let this be something other then a tumor….and if it is…it’s in his hands, and I will fight, again!

so you may remember 9/11 for a reason or 2.  I now have 3 reasons I will forever and always remember this day.

xoxox

Nita