I cry…I’ve been crying a whole lot these past few days. lol I’m lying, I’ve been crying a whole lot more these past few weeks. why? I’m really not to sure…I mean there’s so much going through my head that I cant seem to pin point exactly whats wrong…I don’t know if it’s because of the pain i’m going through, I don’t know if it’s because I feel so alone, i don’t know if it’s because i’m homesick, and i don’t know if it’s because I’m scared as all hell! I honestly just don’t know. I found the perfect post for my instagram (oh by the way it’s @mz_dreamchaser) it says “Dear santa, all I want for christmas is a cure”, and honestly what else could I possibly ask for? what else could I want? I don’t want anything else! this thing…this cancer thing is scary! and by scary I don’t mean that walking through a corn maze on halloween scary…I mean the type of scary where your constantly wondering what bad is going to happen next, the am I going to die, the I haven’t lived my life and I may never get to type scary. Most people that I know may never have to face my kind of scary, and I’d never want them to. Because believe you me, it’s not fun. Sometimes I lay in my bed and I’m scared to go to sleep, because I just don’t know what will happen. I’m constantly questioning my treatment plan and if there are new tumors somewhere that no one has found yet. I barely sleep at all these days. it’s hard to sleep, it’s hard to think straight, it’s really hard to focus on anything else besides trying to survive. it’s like a never ending season of survivor and I can’t seem to get the hell off this island!!!
It’s the holidays and I want to be happy, I want to be excited. let me be clear, I’m not walking around all doom and gloom. NO I’m a very happy person most of the time, I haven’t let cancer change me…you know, the me that people laugh at cause I talk a pile of trash, I’m goofy, the person that tends to say what’s on my mind no matter how much of a “blonde” it makes me sound. no that hasnt changed. the person I allow people to see is still the same. But it’s just when I’m alone…the times when nothing else is occupying my brain power other then my thoughts. And my thoughts can be so cruel sometimes. I’ve never been able to sleep with the tv on, now in order to stop the nightmares, I have to leave it on, and it has to be on a channel like HGTV or food network, because those stations don’t have the bad things of the world on them. I have enough bad thoughts I really and truly don’t need anything else to contribute.
Some days I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. it’s really hard to think that way but it’s just how I feel. I want to do so much cause I just don’t know what’s going to happen. and the not knowing is a hard pill to swallow. This year…well not this year lol…I mean 2015 I’m going to live each day to the fullest because, life is extremely short. Bad things happen to really good people, and I’m going to make each day count. Because I may have found my lump but who knows if anything will come back….as a cancer patient your life expectancy is determined in 5 and 10 years…I believe, and I’m going to fight like hell to get more years under my belt then that, but if that’s all the time that God has allotted me on this earth, I’m going to make them the most amazing ever. I’m going to give my daughter the best memories ever and I’m going to love her like no one else ever can or will. I don’t know what will happen…but I’m gonna smile and fight tip the end.
I’m still trying to adjust to how I look post mastectomy, you would think that it would have gotten better. I still feel….I still feel…”different” so different that I don’t like to leave me house. I feel like people stare. The bald head doesn’t help either, I thought i’d be ok with it, I was wrong, I want my hair. People say all the time your gorgeous with or without hair and…well…thank you…but I feel ugly. looks should never make or break the way you feel about yourself, I know I get that. but when you seem to be losing everything that made you feel like a woman, well, it’s a little harder to say then actually feel that way. So I bought a wig. When I put that wig on for the first time since this started I felt like a woman, I felt pretty. That night…I cried cause I haven’t felt pretty, or like a real woman in so long now.
Maybe it’s the holidays…maybe this is why i’m so emotional, so down. because I don’t want to miss these things. I want to be here. I never thought I’d open up and let anyone know how scared I am…and I know most people will say “it will be ok” or “God’s got this” and I know all of that. God has me…he has me…he always will. But I’m still scared…I still can’t help but to see things from where I stand. People have been holding my hand, come to be by my side, and giving me encouraging words since this started, and I am grateful….OOOOOOO I am forever grateful for them. But I can’t help but still feel like I’m the only person in the room…because while everyone tried to understand, no one knows….no one feels my pain…no one has to live with my thoughts….theres no one else only me…having a disease is a very lonely thing. It’s hard to explain to people what it’s like, and the ones that do understand or partially understand are the ones that have this disease too…but yet, we all go through things differently so it’s hard. it’s hard. it’s very freakin hard.
get checked…and follow your gut…I wish I did. Live life to the fullest, be happy, be proud, never let anyone get in the way of dreams, dream big, hell dream even bigger, love harder then you’ve ever loved before, love like you’ve never been hurt, hope for the best, sing in the shower no matter who hears (it’s a stress reliever), dance and I mean blast that music and dance, go sky diving or whatever crazy thing you want to do, travel and travel to places your even scared to go, pray, and pray HARD, believe no matter what, have faith, live your life…and honestly let God! just let him do his thing…He’s got you…so Let Go and Let God!!!!!!