Look through my tears.

I cry…I’ve been crying a whole lot these past few days.  lol I’m lying, I’ve been crying a whole lot more these past few weeks.  why?  I’m really not to sure…I mean there’s so much going through my head that I cant seem to pin point exactly whats wrong…I don’t know if it’s because of the pain i’m going through, I don’t know if it’s because I feel so alone, i don’t know if it’s because i’m homesick, and i don’t know if it’s because I’m scared as all hell!  I honestly just don’t know.  I found the perfect post for my instagram (oh by the way it’s @mz_dreamchaser) it says “Dear santa, all I want for christmas is a cure”, and honestly what else could I possibly ask for? what else could I want? I don’t want anything else!  this thing…this cancer thing is scary!  and by scary I don’t mean that walking through a corn maze on halloween scary…I mean the type of scary where your constantly wondering what bad is going to happen next, the am I going to die, the I haven’t lived my life and I may never get to type scary.  Most people that I know may never have to face my kind of scary, and I’d never want them to.  Because believe you me, it’s not fun.  Sometimes I lay in my bed and I’m scared to go to sleep, because I just don’t know what will happen.  I’m constantly questioning my treatment plan and if there are new tumors somewhere that no one has found yet.  I barely sleep at all these days.  it’s hard to sleep, it’s hard to think straight, it’s really hard to focus on anything else besides trying to survive.  it’s like a never ending season of survivor and I can’t seem to get the hell off this island!!!

It’s the holidays and I want to be happy, I want to be excited.  let me be clear, I’m not walking around all doom and gloom.  NO I’m a very happy person most of the time, I haven’t let cancer change me…you know, the me that people laugh at cause I talk a pile of trash, I’m goofy, the person that tends to say what’s on my mind no matter how much of a “blonde” it makes me sound.  no that hasnt changed.  the person I allow people to see is still the same.  But it’s just when I’m alone…the times when nothing else is occupying my brain power other then my thoughts.  And my thoughts can be so cruel sometimes.  I’ve never been able to sleep with the tv on, now in order to stop the nightmares, I have to leave it on, and it has to be on a channel like HGTV or food network, because those stations don’t have the bad things of the world on them.  I have enough bad thoughts I really and truly don’t need anything else to contribute.

Some days I feel like I’m living on borrowed time.  it’s really hard to think that way but it’s just how I feel.  I want to do so  much cause I just don’t know what’s going to happen.  and the not knowing is a hard pill to swallow.  This year…well not this year lol…I mean 2015 I’m going to live each day to the fullest because, life is extremely short.  Bad things happen to really good people, and I’m going to make each day count.  Because I may have found my lump but who knows if anything will come back….as a cancer patient your life expectancy is determined in 5 and 10 years…I believe, and I’m going to fight like hell to get more years under my belt then that, but if that’s all the time that God has allotted me on this earth, I’m going to make them the most amazing ever.  I’m going to give my daughter the best memories ever and I’m going to love her like no one else ever can or will.  I don’t know what will happen…but I’m gonna smile and fight tip the end.

I’m still trying to adjust to how I look post mastectomy, you would think that it would have gotten better.  I still feel….I still feel…”different” so different that I don’t like to leave me house.  I feel like people stare.  The bald head doesn’t help either, I thought i’d be ok with it, I was wrong, I want my hair.  People say all the time your gorgeous with or without hair and…well…thank you…but I feel ugly.  looks should never make or break the way you feel about yourself, I know I get that.  but when you seem to be losing everything that made you feel like a woman, well, it’s a little harder to say then actually feel that way.  So I bought a wig.  When I put that wig on for the first time since this started I felt like a woman, I felt pretty.  That night…I cried cause I haven’t felt pretty, or like a real woman in so long now.

Maybe it’s the holidays…maybe this is why i’m so emotional, so down.  because I don’t want to miss these things.  I want to be here.  I never thought I’d open up and let anyone know how scared I am…and I know most people will say “it will be ok” or “God’s got this” and I know all of that.  God has me…he has me…he always will.  But I’m still scared…I still can’t help but to see things from where I stand.  People have been holding my hand, come to be by my side,  and giving me encouraging words since this started, and I am grateful….OOOOOOO I am forever grateful for them.  But I can’t help but still feel like I’m the only person in the room…because while everyone tried to understand, no one knows….no one feels my pain…no one has to live with my thoughts….theres no one else only me…having a disease is a very lonely thing.  It’s hard to explain to people what it’s like, and the ones that do understand or partially understand are the ones that have this disease too…but yet, we all go through things differently so it’s hard.  it’s hard.  it’s very freakin hard.

get checked…and follow your gut…I wish I did.  Live life to the fullest, be happy, be proud, never let anyone get in the way of dreams, dream big, hell dream even bigger, love harder then you’ve ever loved before, love like you’ve never been hurt, hope for the best, sing in the shower no matter who hears (it’s a stress reliever), dance and I mean blast that music and dance, go sky diving or whatever crazy thing you want to do, travel and travel to places your even scared to go, pray, and pray HARD, believe no matter what, have faith, live your life…and honestly let God! just let him do his thing…He’s got you…so Let Go and Let God!!!!!!

xoxo Nita

image 4 Here’s me with my new wig…I love it!

image I go through so much, and try to feel so pretty in order to get out of the house

image 2  Because when the world is crumbling around me…she washes the pain and bad away from it.

image 3  The Taxol or whatever made my eyes swell and puss so bad

image 5….well what you expect?  I’m stuck in treatment for hours…funny faces are mandatory!!

image 6  Our christmas tree…

8 thoughts on “Look through my tears.

  1. Keep love in your heart…it seems like it’s one thing that gives you your strength. Love for yourself, your daughter, God. Praying for you, love you. xox

    Like

  2. Hey, my name is Rachel and I know Antonia and I call Micah my mentor. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in March and finished chemo in October. …so I know what you are going through right now. Let me just say how inspiring you have been as I read your blogs, and your strength is so amazing!!! I told Micah I needes to reach out to you because we are all in a club that we never wanted to join, but we have to encourage each other through this journey! If you want to talk, cry, laugh, vent…just know I’m here for you too!!

    Like

    1. Thank you…it must be so nice to be through with chemo. Thank you so much for reaching out…i enjoy meeting ppl that have went or are going through this. Its a little easier to talk to them because they understand a little bit more…please keep in touch my email is d.lambe@me.com

      Like

  3. Hey, my name is Rachel and I know Antonia and I call Micah my mentor! I was diagnosed also with breast cancer in March and finished chemo in October at CCI.. ..so I can definitely relate. We are in a club we never signed up for, but we have to be there for each other. Just know that you are constantly in my prayers and if you ever want to talk, cry, or just vent I’m here for you too!!

    Like

  4. Hi Danita and sweet baby-girl Harlow 🙂

    Pray you enjoyed your Christmas.

    You look great in the pic! The wig in-deed looks good on you.

    Your beauty is seen in the pic of your natural look, dressed up to go out.

    Harlow enjoyed opening her gifts?

    Be at peace my Danita.

    Much Love
    Aunt/ Cuz Queenie

    Like

    1. Hey auntie, yes She loved all her gifts. Thank you very much for the compliment, but i definitely do prefer the wig. Especially cause its so cold n it makes me feel pretty. I hope you enjoyed your christmas, tell everyone i said hi

      Like

      1. Hey there baby

        Christmas was good, and God blessed us with pretty good weather.

        Will ensure to extend your greeting to the family.

        Much Love
        Smooches

        Like

  5. “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you.
    Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
    John 14: 27

     Through HIS Son – JESUS… The One!…, who brings “Peace that Passeth ALL Understanding”

    Jehovah-Shalom – THE LORD IS PEACE

    Jehovah Shalom ~ The Lord Is MY/ OUR Peace

    Selah – Meditate On This

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s