Beautiful struggle

It’s crazy how my life has turned into non stop, doctors appointments and prescriptions…

I had my first injection on the 10 as you all know.  And since then i have been sick, weak, and in pain.  I’ve been able to function (very little) through it but boy o boy they don’t call that stuff “red devil” for nothing.  But i am so blessed that i can say as of yesterday the 19 i feel normal again.  Yea i know right only for a couple of days being my next treatment is this Thursday.  But the good part about this is that, i now know it’s not a forever thing, i now know that after a week and some ill feel ok again.  So that’s what im going to look forward to again. Theres always a silver lining in a cloud 🙂 I’m hoping the next one works better with my body, and that i can tolerate it and actually get out of bed for more than 10 min.

I pray as much as i can, sometimes i don’t think its enough, and some days im like goodness I must be talking God’s ear off lol but i just talk, random talk, down to the little things like “ughhh give me the strength to eat, or just make it stay down” and it helps me…or i talk to him when im getting dressed…nothin fits good anymore.  My tops are lopsided and most don’t fit or just don’t look good.  I’m loosing weight in weird places (everywhere except my stomach, thighs n butt…woman’s nightmare)smh.  I realized today as i was about to lay in the tub that i never unbuttoned my jeans to take them off. I just slid them down.  You know whats crazy i don’t want to lose too much weight through this.  I don’t want to go back down to that itty bitty 6/7 i used to be.  I became the most confident i had ever been when i reached my size 10-12.  I got the most compliments and i found myself once i reached that size.  I had always wanted to look like those pretty slim girls you see on tv, or wherever, you know the ones that got most of the attention.  I wanted to be them for so long.   I had wanted my ex to look at me how those girls got looked at…i just wanted to be “the pretty girl” wait what they call em now? Thim slick?? Lol idk but them.  After the birth of my daughter i blew up in size and that’s when i started to find myself, i fell in love with me, realized what i wanted what i didn’t want, i embraced my curves, extra rolls (i play with em to put me sleep) and my little kangaroo pouch (thank you harlow for that). I love me.  And now??? I don’t know.  Yes i love the person i am (cause im pretty cool) but because of my body alteration im having to learn to embrace this body again.  It’s a bit of an adjustment.  I have a D cup and then a teenage boys chest peck. So part of me wants to go out and buy feminine clothes to accommodate my womanly body and the other half of me wants to buy sweats and boys clothes in order to accommodate the peck.   Do u see where im having a hard time now?  I’m lost…im confused…for the first time in years i don’t like how i look.

Im not “me” when i look at me.  The chemo has made my face break out, my hair change, and some days it took my smile.   But an outward appearance is just that, outward.  I am so glad the chemo can’t change ME and who i am on the inside.  Cause if it could id be in some trouble.

I have to talk to myself a lot some days to just want to get dressed n leave my house, but i make sure i tell myself something encouraging, and one of them is:

The most beautiful woman is one that loves who she is, and when she loves who she is, she draws people into her without having to try.  People are drawn to my “beautiful struggle”

xoxo Nita

look no more bandages *happy dance*