Damn….back at it again…Maybe?

In exactly 16 days I would have been in remission for exactly 1 year.  Do you have any idea of how happy that makes me??  overjoyed!!!  A whole lot can happen in a year…My 1st year was full of love and fun! I landed an awesome job, Harlow and I’s relationship is even better than ever (who thought that could happen right?) I witnessed my best friend’s proposal, I fell in love, I was able to plan out the way I want things to go from now on….

………But you know what they say, your plan has nothing on God’s.

So here I am, sitting here at my computer trying to smile, trying to find a reason to stay at work, trying to keep my mind from going crazy, it’s been on 1000 since Friday.

Sooooooo here’s what’s going on.  I went to  my new doctor on Friday, who by they way is absolutely AMAZING!!! and he pretty much said that the lump in my chest, that I’ve been questioning since August, and that BHB said was nothing, just may be something.  smh.  So here we are again…almost a year to the day of my remission that I am heading back to Huntsville in 14 days in order to have a lump tested (biopsied), because the doctors here just ruled it out, because of 1 doctors decision.

So many will ask am I mad?  no…but I’m not happy either.  But how can i really get worked up about something that I just don’t know about right now?  So many people will say

“o it’s nothing, you will be ok”

But until you have been in my shoes, until you have walked this walk, and until you have tasted the disgusting drugs and felt the effects that they have, you can never tell me “you will be ok”.  Because while I am praying that it is nothing and that it’s a build up of necrotic tissue, I can’t help to tense up at the thought that….Here we go again, back at it!   The dreams that I have been having the past few nights have been hell!!  it’s like reliving the injections, the pain, the nausea, the weakness, the chills, the fatigue all in one night.

So from now until i get my results back…please bare with me as I deal with my emotions and get my thought process under control.  Because I’m scared of what may lie ahead.  But I’m strong enough to know that if I gotta go back in for round 2, God’s got me and I’m gonna be a champ again.unnamed-8



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