an undoubtful christmas

The past few weeks have been ones of complete confusion for me, because I’m constantly asked “have you considered reconstruction?”  well duh!!  Of course I have.  Then the constant stares, the constant sayings of “i don’t know how you do it girl.” or “I could never walk around with no breasts.” Those kinds of statements bother me.  WE are women.  Let me explain a little something to those that “feel they couldn’t do it” or “could never walk around with no breasts”  You don’t know what you can do until you put your mind to it.  Sooooo many times we doubt ourselves, but for what?  We doubt ourselves, our strength, our determination before we even give ourselves a chance to find a way to make it.  My journey was not easy but it was definitely a mind game.  My mental was 90% of the time what got me through.  If ever there was a time I allowed myself to think I was going to die, or that I couldn’t do this anymore my body would receive that and I’d get worse…no lie….you have to always tell yourself that you can and you will do it.  Doubt is a nasty little thing that many of us do, and it brings us down so bad that it never allows us to have a chance at anything.  Life in itself is one big Mind Fuk (excuse my french) but it is.  If we allow things to mess with our mental and make us doubt ourselves and the things that we can do, we bring ourselves down, and when we do that we tend to bring others down with us (like crabs in a bucket) doubt is contagious.  It takes a strong person to know who they are and what they can do and handle.

Truth be told I was NEVER this person though.  I was forced to grow up and see myself in a totally different light.  It took me years of toxic relationships, and the many negatives in life that had me always doubting myself and not loving me.  I always wanted to change something about me, whether it be my weight, my hair, my face as a whole (yesssss hunny I hated how I looked), my body shape, The way I acted around people, EVERYTHING!!! you name it, it was on my list of things to change.  Then I was thrown in a time where I got the changes that I needed, not the ones I hoped for, but needed. I saw myself with no hair, low weight, my face swollen from infections and scarred all up.  I saw myself looking like smeigal off of lord of the rings, and it was at that time….at the time when most would think I was “ugly” I found my beauty and my strength.  I grew in love with ME, not what I looked like (I mean I was rocking that bold head though) I loved getting to know me.  All I had was my personality and strength.  When it first happened i was like “OMG no one will ever be attracted to me again, I need to at least have breasts”  But it hit me one day when I asked Harlow if I was still pretty and she told me “yea mom your just not stylish”  and at that point again my 3 year old had taught me a lesson.  On the eyes I may be a little hard to deal with so I’m not stylish, but I am pretty,  The prize isn’t what I look like it’s what I can bring into a situation.  I am always smiling, I’m positive, I LOVE ME!!! and  I don’t doubt myself I just do it.  So when I walk around with 2 scars and no breast just know I’m happy and confident within myself, that I embrace my situation and I believe that I am prettier now without breasts that I could have ever been with them.  I AM GORGEOUS and my body parts do NOT make me that way.

It bothers me when I hear when women say I can’t do it…but yet you haven’t even tried.  So stop saying you can’t and try, and if you try and fail, then try again.  You wasn’t given this life to just be handed things, you gotta work for them.  Doubt will stop you from doing a lot!  don’t limit yourself because you feel like you can’t.

This is a new year coming up…make a plan of things you want to do, things you never thought you could, and sit and make a plan of how you can possibly do it.  But remember you may need a plan b & c as well.  Start with the best plan and go for it.  Do what it is that you want, you want to go back to school, well lets have it, how do you plan to get back to school?  you want to buy a house/car, well how are you gonna do that?  #1 go and have a little talk with a loan officer, there…I helped you start.  You want to get married or want your bf to propose to you, well how you gonna get that to happen? #1 cut out the hoe tendencies….see helped you again.  There is always a start and then a path to follow to get what you want and make things happen.  EVERYTHING and ANYTHING is possible.  so just do it.  stop saying you can’t, and for crying out loud learn to love the woman that you are instead of the woman you look like.

and for all those who say I look “strange” rme, just know I have 2 noobs because my boobs tried to kill me…so kick rocks cause my scars are AWESOME!!!! scars to my beautiful!!

noob love

I hope you all have an wonderful christmas, and go into the new year with more self love and less self doubt, and lets rock this year to the fullest!!!




2 thoughts on “an undoubtful christmas

  1. Sissy, you give me strength!! I’m learning to love myself with this water weight, scar in my head, port removal scars and one eye. I am a beautiful warrior! Cancer has made me stronger then ever! I love you and your noobs! You’re forever my shero!


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